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Look what happened to Jonah when he tried to hop on a ship headed for the other side of the world when he knew God wanted him in Ninevah. The fact that we haven’t has me wondering if there’s a higher purpose He’s trying to achieve by preventing the answer from being found.Maybe He wants to make sure that I’m not going to let sex “turn my heart away” from Him, like all those foreign wives did to Solomon.And so the years after years of being reinforced that my interest in my wife is unwelcome, and that there’s apparently nothing desirable about me in her eyes, it has really beaten down on me emotionally. I won’t go into all the 101 things that I have tried and that we together have tried over the past 17 years to “fix” the situation, except to say that they’ve ranged from “exercises” to psychotherapy to medication to laying on of hands. Maybe there is still something I need to learn before I can experience the sexual relationship I so desire.

I hope these writings will be received in the manner in which they were written. These writings and the many others like it are the reasons I see it as such a high priority to strengthen marriages sexually.

In recent months I’ve begun to use the phrase “involuntary celibacy” to describe my current sexual status.

I keep the phrase (and the truth behind it) mainly to myself (and my journal) with an occasional exception, when I find a listening ear. But the term is rather fitting, since I have about as much of a sex life as a typical priest.

I like to joke to myself that the difference between me and a priest is that the priest wears a collar.

And I have to believe that in heaven there will either be perfect sex or something much better yet. Well, my latest theory is that, at the core, my wife’s problem is really spiritual.

Her sexual “shutdown” is part of an emotional shutdown, which itself comes from a spiritual shutdown, and the indications support my theory.

It’s an emotional intimacy, a bond, a joy-filled exchange of love; being with another person who wants to be with me and wants to please me and desires me to please them.

I don’t really care for the song very much, but Cheap Trick definitely captured the essence of how I feel with these words: “I want you to want me; I need you to need me.” Most men never get this.

Like Job, I want to be able and willing to receive counsel from anyone God puts in my path.

God created us to grow in the context of community.

He has graciously consented to let me share these personal writings in hopes that it may bring hope to others who find themselves in similar situations.

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